Monday, 28 January 2008

It must be Monday

After reading today’s Times from back to front, I was startled to by the shear lack of news. If I had been locked in a deprivation chamber for weeks on end, I would still have been able to guess it was Monday! Alan Johnson’s deputy leadership campaign is now tainted by dodgy money – so what, who in the campaign hasn’t been on the take. This is not news any more, it’s expected. Frances Societe Generale Bank, reduced to near bankruptcy due to dodgy deals worth billions of Euros – not unlike Northern Rock Bank, also reduced to near bankruptcy by dodgy deals worth billions of pounds. As it stands, both British and French governments are having to ensure that a national asset doesn’t go under – no difference in the news there then.

However, it has been left to good old McDonalds to provide us with some news worthy of our attention. The Government will announce today that the fast food giant (along with Network Rail and Flybe) will be able to award educational qualifications equivalent to GCSE’s, A Levels and Degree’s. Not content with turning the population into obese individuals, the purveyors of mass produced burgers want to raise the provision of French fries to the level of philosophical theory. I can hear the conversation at the till now:

CUSTOMER: Burger please
MCDONALDS STAFF: Would you like fries with that Sir, or a degree in Philosophy?
CUSTOMER: I’ll have the degree today please.
MCDONALDS STAFF: Certainly Sir. What dip would you like; Locke, Burke or Marx?
CUSTOMER: Burke please, Locke’s labour theory on property has never agreed with me.
MCDONALDS STAFF: We have a special offer today – buy a Marx dip and get an Engel’s burger free.
CUSTOMER: No thanks, they don’t compliment each other, regardless of what historians say.

Unlikely I know, but you get the drift. An A Level from the University of McDonalds will only leave you feeling hungry later in life, a bit like their burgers. What ever next, “Pot Noodles for Beginners: Advanced Course” or “Chicken Nuggets: There Role in Society: Master of Philosophy”. Only Labour could come up with such a ludicrous, media driven idea! Education at this level should be left to our current providers. With NVQ’s and other vocational qualifications, we already have an adequate system in place to acknowledge specific industry skills.

Anyway, who wants an A level from Network Rail – it won’t arrive on time!

1 comment:

Ahmed Khan said...

Is there any truth in the rumour that Brian T Scott and Irene Lucas are to be awarded honorary doctorates for service rendered to the ruling labour group? Apparently the award ceremony will be hosted by the Mayor Cllr. Tracy Dixon and certificates will be handed out by the Chuckle Brothers and Lord Wagggottt.

An announcement concerning South Tyneside Council’s new examination board status is also expected. Apparently South Tyneside Council will shortly be able to offer degrees in public speaking, suppression, democratic procedures, managing elections, half truths, wasting public money, blackberry communications, rubbish identification skills, waste removal and gaming skills such as hide and seek in the Town Hall basement etc.