Sunday, 30 December 2007


Sam Allerdyce, Newcastle United’s manager for the next ten minutes, was today forced to issue a public apology regarding the behaviour of one of his first team players. Speaking at the clubs training ground at D Wing, Durham jail, Allerdyce told gathered prison officer staff:

“Sadly, last night one of my first team players disgraced the good name of this club. Fiat Punto Uno, our Italian centre forward, was found to be tucked up in bed at 9.30 p.m. Not only was he sober, but he had been in no fights that day and was found reading a copy of “The Readers Digest”. A hot cup of Horlicks was by his bed. This club prides itself on the yobbish, violent and drunken behaviour of its players, both on and off the pitch. Punto has disgraced the famous louts who have worn the black and white prison uniform and lived up to the clubs famous Latin motto; ASBO CONTINUIM COURTO.

Unfortunately, Newcastle will not be able to field a team for next weeks third round of the Intercontinental Prison Trophy Cup (sponsored by Group 4) as all their players have been tagged with a 2 p.m. curfew.

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