Friday, 26 October 2007


The sports world was thrown into delight yesterday when South Tyneside Council entered the Guinness Book of Records for holding the shortest ever council meeting in the history of the world. Lasting a mere 7 minutes, the Council completely destroyed is own previous record set during the budget increase debate. Council leader and team captain Paul Waggot of Waggsville, dressed head to toe in latex, was clearly happy with the outcome.

“Labour councillors have been training for years to achieve this record. Some of them have been sitting in this chamber for decades not uttering one word of dissent or even discussing anything, such was their level of dedication to get this meeting over with in record time.”

Club Chairman, Irene Lucas, was equally ecstatic with the outcome. “I love a Council that knows when to keep its mouth shut. This makes us clear favourites for the “Tavistock White Wash Cup” in November, when the Planning Committee will attempt the “blind eye” record when faced with plans to demolish Gypsies Green Stadium. As we speak the committee members are all hard at training “looking the other way”.

Achieving the record was not without its casualties. Several members failed dope tests when lab results came back showing that far be it from refusing to talk, they were in fact “dumb”. Just before the meeting began the record attempt was thrown into turmoil when George Elsom injured himself in the warm up and contracted “turrets” and didn’t know whether he would be able to keep his mouth shut.

South Tyneside’s Media department is to release the meeting on DVD, with the CD carrying a special mega remix version of events. All formats are printed on recycled toilet paper.

Councillors are now in training for the “lets see how long we can ignore the public” world record. So far, they are miles ahead of any other contenders.

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