Friday, 26 October 2007


The Literary word was rocked today when the author J K Rowling revealed that the hero of her “Harry Potter” series of books was not in fact a wizard, but a Daily Mirror reporter smuggled into the book to expose the sexual exploits of “Hogwarts” school teachers. “I am sorry to have duped the public” said Rowling’s “but since I promised not to publish any more Potter books, I might as well ruin the whole scenario for any future readers of the story with some unnecessary gutter press innuendo”. Harry Potter, real name Reginald Gutterpress, had disguised himself as a nerd in order to “out” fellow spell maker “Dumbledore”.

Rowling’s revelations have led to a flood of other children’s book character “outings”;

1. Roald Dhal admitted that the “Giant Peach” was in fact an over weight/obese grape. He further confessed that the Chocolate Factory did not employ “umperlumpas”, but farm workers from Poland and Romania, not one of whom were registered with immigration services.

2. St Luke (bible writer) admitted that Jesus was not in fact the son of God on earth, but an unemployed carpenter from Jerusalem.

3. James Barrie has admitted that Peter Pan was not an immortal child who never grew old, but a former Vogue model who had extensive plastic surgery and botox injections in an attempt to preserve his young looks. He has recently appeared drunk and violent toward his partner “Tinkerbelle”, a prostitute from Glasgow, on the Jeremy Kayle Show.

Further revelations about children’s book characters have been outlawed in order to preserve the innocence of children until the weight of student debt, mortgages etc, finally destroys it for them.

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