Below is the text of a letter which any perspective candidate applying for the job of Executive Director Neighbourhood Services will receive. Compiled using South Tyneside Councils “Dictionary of Alternative Wording and Management Speak”, the letter needs translating. Councillor Waggot’s words are in black, the translation in blue. I hope this sets the record straight, and I apologise for any confusion which South Tyneside Council may have caused.
Executive Director Neighbourhood Services
A letter from the leader of the council and the chief executive
Recruitment to the post of Executive Director Neighbourhood Services
We’re pleased that you are considering applying for the post of Executive Director Neighbourhood Services within South Tyneside.
Why wouldn’t you, with a total salary in the region of £120,000 per year, you’d be a fool not to apply.
We’ve already achieved a great deal in a short time, with improvements in educational attainment, the delivery of improved social care services and progress on the regeneration and transformation of the Borough.
We’ve shut down schools, flogged of our housing stock to cowboy builders and annoyed the vast amount of people in the Borough by planning to turn our coast line into Blackpool.
There is, however, still much to do. We’re focussed on delivering our ambitious vision for South Tyneside:
There is, however, still much to do. Too many schools remain open and people think they have a right to leisure facilities. Were focused on delivering our ambitious vision for South Tyneside: a privatised car park owned by Tavistock.
‘Our young people will have new hope because they will have a bright future. People of all ages will have high aspirations, great confidence and the skills and opportunities they need to succeed. People will be healthy, able to find work and will enjoy living here. Our reputation for excellence in service to our communities will be widely recognised and South Tyneside will be playing a full role in contributing to a thriving and prosperous region.’
Young people will have no future as schools will be closed, they will have poor reading and writing skills, they will be obese as we allow more and more McDonalds and Gregg’s to open in Kings Street. Our reputation for incompetence in service to our communities will be widely recognised (South Tyneside Homes).
We want an Executive Director who shares our vision and passion and who knows how to translate the latest policy developments into a coherent service. As a small team, our Executive Directors play a strong corporate role across the authority. You’ll need excellent leadership and influencing skills and the ability to maintain a strategic overview without getting into too much detail. We believe that the way in which we’re going about this will give the successful candidate an excellent opportunity to influence how this will happen.
If you want to make a real difference and be part of an innovative, high performing authority then we want to meet you. In return we can offer you a great place to live and work, the challenge and support of a committed leadership and the backing of our talented workforce.
We want an executive director who can match our level of incompetence, translating our vision into an incoherent policy. As a small team (they have all jumped ship) the Executive Directors will scratch your back if you scratch theirs. You need to have excellent skills in corporate freebies, be able to realize what the s**t has hit the fan, and have another job to go to when you finally jump ship. In return we will give you money for old rope.
If you’re as committed and passionate as we are and have the talent and flair to succeed in this challenging role then we would be delighted if you would apply.
If your only talent lies in pushing paper around in a circle, burying your head in the sand and still have the audacity to claim your full pay, then we would be delighted if you would apply.
Paul WaggottLeader of the Council